Sources so exclusive that I’m confident no one else has heard of this have revealed to me that a top-secret meeting is taking place this month on an obscure island only reachable by private plane. Fantastically, no expense will be spared while the CDC, the FDA, Joe Biden, Donald Trump, Jim Bakker, Vladimir Putin, and key representatives of the press hammer out the strategy necessary to implement their secret, but shared commitment to a major change: henceforth the general public will be told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Donald Trump and Jim Bakker are reported to have teared up in the hot tub they were sharing when they told my exclusive sources about the religious epiphany they each had in which more than one god told them this was the right thing to do. Jim Bakker even offered to exchange my exclusive sources’ N95s for what he claimed was far better protection from COVID: the sterling silver spoons each of them should hold in their mouths.
Vladimir Putin promised complete withdrawal from Ukraine and an apology to the whole world for lapsing into Western imperialism.
There was even mumbling among the CDC and FDA representatives about ceasing to tell the public they were safe and could stop wearing masks and didn’t need constant/frequent booster shots, so the CDC and FDA could conduct experiments on the spread of COVID within a population too stupid to protect itself.
Fantastic, you still say? Well, after all, today is April Fools Day.