My calling this fiction is, tragically, a bit of a stretch…
“But I’m holding the letter I received today in my hand! At first I thought, when I started getting these letters, that it was a scam, an attempt to get me to call some bogus number and give my credit card info. Now that I take the time to look at one of these more carefully, I see it includes all my correct account info and the number it tells me to call is the number I have on file for you.”
“All I can tell you is that I’m looking at your account info and we have no record of your having $3,658.07 worth of our equipment that you need to either pay us for or return to us.”
“Then why do I keep getting these letters threatening to turn my account over to a collection agency and ruin my credit rating?”
“I have no idea.”
“May I please speak to a supervisor?”
“A supervisor would just tell you the same thing I’m telling you.”
“May I please speak to a supervisor anyway?”
“There isn’t one available right now. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
“I’ll hold until a supervisor is available.”
“As you wish.”
Clearly the hold music was designed to placate multiple stampedes of infuriated beasts or, alternatively, this company’s perfectly reasonable human customers. Every 15 minutes or so there would be a brief, silent interruption with a few clicks, during which I assumed the Customer Care Advocate I’d been talking to was checking to see if I’d given up and hung up yet. After an hour and a half he apparently gave up and transferred me somewhere with different, but equally nauseating, hold music.
“How may I help you resolve any further issues you may have today?”
“Are you a supervisor?”
“Yes.”
“Did the Customer Care Advocate I was speaking with before give you the reason for my call and my account details?”
“Yes.”
“Can you please explain all these letters I’ve been getting?”
“You can ignore them. They’re generated by AI.”
“AI?”
“Artificial Intelligence.”
“Can you stop them.”
“Unfortunately we have no way to stop them, but I can assure you they’re meaningless. Like the Customer Care Advocate you were speaking to before, I’ve very carefully and thoroughly checked over your account and can absolutely positively confirm for you that we have no record of your having any equipment of ours whatsoever.”
“Can you add a note to that effect to my account?”
“The Customer Care Advocate you spoke to before already did so, but I would be most happy to add my note as well. Please be assured that you have absolutely positively nothing to worry about.”
“Then why do I keep getting these letters? Where is the information that I have $3,658.07 worth of your equipment coming from if you can’t find it anywhere in my account records? In the twenty years I’ve been your customer, I’ve never had even five cents worth of your equipment, since I’ve always, always only exclusively used my own!”
“Sometimes these things happen. Please be assured that absolutely positively AI’s information will eventually get corrected and updated without your having to do anything further. In the meantime, we apologize for the inconvenience of your receiving these letters but can absolutely positively assure you that no action is ever, ever taken as a result of an AI-generated letter!”
Six months later I was served with an official, absolutely positively valid subpoena to appear in court because of my failure to pay $3,658.07.
